Secret Santa
by SailorCopperOwl
Summary: The Senshi have invited the Shitennou for a christmas party, and Mamoru has ordered them to get into the spirit. The Shitennou do their best, but it's not easy when you don't have a clue... PGSM, some mature talk, but nothing graphic
1. Chapter 1

**This is a Shitennou christmas story that I started writing last year around this time, but didn't finish. No idea if I'll finish this year, but perhaps you'll like the chapters I have.**

**This story isn't connected to any of my other stories, and I tried to give the Shitennou some new facets.**

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><p>"I don't see why we can't just throw our money together for something more impressive..."<p>

"Please, Kunzite," said Mamoru and suppressed a sigh. "The senshi are throwing this party, and they want it to go like this, so you should play along. They invited you all, for the first time, and I think this is a very good thing."

He firmly looked at each of his Shitennou.

"It won't hurt you to loosen up a bit," he said to Nephrite.

"Socialize," he said, looking at Zoisite.

"Be nice," to Jadeite.

"Enjoy yourself," in Kunzite's direction.

A disapproving moment of silence followed his words.

"So we all can get drunk except Jadeite, because he only wants to start fights when he's drinking," grinned Nephrite finally.

"The hell I do! Why don't you just shut up before we talk about what you like to do when you're drunk?"

"That proves he starts fights whether he's drinking or not, so maybe this year we could allow him half a glass of wine," said Zoisite and answered the dirty look he got from Jadeite with his sweetest smile.

"Guys, please..." said Mamoru. "Moderate drinking, if it helps you to get into the spirit. But this party is supposed to be nice and friendly. Should we go through the Secret Santa rules again, or have you understood that one?"

"That's not too hard", replied Kunzite with confidence. "Each of us gets assigned a girl to make a present to, and they are not supposed to know who they got their present from."

Mamoru nodded and gave them a proud smile. "Yes, you got it. It's really easy."

Jadeite scratched his head.

"Yes, but... it doesn't really make sense, does it? Shouldn't presents earn the bringer some acknowledgment?"

"Exactly," said Nephrite. "You only give a present anonymously if you think the recipient will hate it. And we don't intend to make crappy presents. We Are The Shitennou."

Mamoru sighed again. "Guys, please. Secret Santas are skipping a lot of issues about making presents, and I think it's really going to be easier for you to get into the spirit of things if you don't take this kind of thing too personal. It's just about spreading good feelings."

To his surprise, they now seemed to finally get deep "oh"s and "ah"s made Mamoru doubt they had been understanding a thing before.

Zoisite smiled.

"Presents, emotions, and surprise pairings, it's just like in the old days!"

"I knew it!" exclaimed Kunzite with a smirk, "This modern christmas is the same as our old winter solstice celebrations."

Mamoru paled.

"It's not! Not at all! I mean, yes, there are some things that are similar, but at the core, it's different. Christmas is family friendly!"

"Solstice was family friendly too."

"Hard to imagine what would be more family friendly. There wouldn't be families without that kind of celebrations."

"No!" interrupted Mamoru them firmly. "Just take my word for it, this christmas party is not going to be a 'turn off the lights' game!"

The Shitennou exchanged a glance.

"They might just be too polite to say it in the open."

"Exactly... inviting a matching number of boys and girls, and then do random pairings... what else would it be?"

"They are making it pretty obvious already, they don't need to speak it out any more."

"NO! Just no... listen, everyone, you are not supposed to get ideas. You will just bring one present for one girl because the girls want to make the whole shopping easier for you, assuming you might not be familiar with it. They are giving you a chance to take it slow. They absolutely don't have a second thought about it. Believe me. This present, and the whole party, is just about friendship, togetherness, and appreciation... it's just about having a good time - in an entirely fully clothed way!"

"Uh-huh..."

"Uhm..."

"Hrm!"

"If you say so, Master..."

Mamoru decided that he would let the information sink in, stop explaining at that point and get the whole thing over with before he would remember too many of Endymion's solstices.

"OK, so now that this is settled, we'll have to do the lottery part."


	2. Chapter 2

After Mamoru was gone, the Shitennou immediately held an emergency meeting.

"Presents for girls shouldn't be hard," said Kunzite with confidence. "Girls like everything."

"But most presents for girls are woeing gifts," said Zoisite. "If I understood the Master correctly, woeing gifts are not in order for the Secret Santa. We need to be aware of this."

Jadeite grinned.

"I can tell you what they really like, but you have to let me choose my girl."

"No way. Why should you have a choice and we don't?"

"We could all swap."

"The Master said it's supposed to be random," reminded him Zoisite.

Nephrite patted Jadeite on the shoulder. "Come on, you know random pairings are the most fun."

"Exactly. Oh, and Jadeite, you will of course tell us everything you know about the girls," stated Kunzite.

"I will?" said Jadeite with a sceptical face.

"Out of kindness of heart. You heard the Master, we are supposed to get into the spirit of christmas."

"And to make certain none of us will accidently let it slip that you didn't want the girl you got," added Zoisite.

Jadeite shot them a dirty look, but then he gave in. He took a deep breath.

"Most of the girls are easy to shop for. The princess likes everything. She really does. I've gone on enough shopping marathons with her.

Mercury likes blue, and clear colors, and anything with ruffles or too much lace. She doesn't have time for hobbies because she always studies, but she has a weak spot for colored soft drinks and champaigne, and spends time in drug stores looking at expensive shower gels and not buying any. She lies about her weight, so I'd not recommend candy. Problem is with champaigne, shower gel, both are culturally coded as woeing gifts, so probably a teleport to destination of choice is the safest choice.

Venus likes everything, and has everything, and says in her diary that she needs more of everything, especially time. Easy. Free teleport to point of choice, big saving of time.

Mars likes nothing, and needs nothing, and says in her diary that she'd personally set fire on every piece of earthly possessions that anyone would feel pressed to burden her with for any festive occasion ever. Easy. Free teleport to shrine of choice.

Jupiter likes flowers, cooking, turtles, and sports. Her cosmetics smells of flowers, too. She likes chocolate, and spices, and buys scented condoms for Motoki, but they don't really get to have fun with them because their apartments have thin walls. So, they'll probably kill someone for a free teleport to a weekend destination of choice."

"Wait a minute... how can you know that?"

"He said they have thin walls," chuckled Nephrite.

"Motoki told me about it," said Jadeite coldly. "Last week. Five minutes after I ordered a coffee. That's how desperate they are."

"And the diaries?"

"If they didn't want them to be read, they'd lock them up."

"They don't?"

"Not like they mean it."

"So, we give them teleports then?"

"But isn't it rubbing in that they lost their powers?"

"So?"

"And what about the jumping points in subspace we need to use? Won't they be creeped out by that?"

"Nothing wrong with subspace. As such."

"And we can be certain that teleporting isn't culturally coded at all."

"So, teleport it is, for all of them."

Nephrite, Zoisite and Kunzite sighed in relief. But only until Jadeite said: "Of course, there has to be something that makes the gift 'cute'."

"Nani?"

"Why does a teleport have to be cute?"

"They're girls, man!" groaned Nephrite who had been exposed to girls a lot in his job at Crown. "Everything you give to a girl has to be _cute_."

"But you can't make a teleport cute."

"There has to be a card going with it, and that has to be cute. _Very cute_."

"Wait a minute... random pairing, surprise present, and now we're going to slip them a secret message as well? This really is too obvious."

"Yeah."

"is the Master trying to trick us?" asked Kunzite suspiciously.

"He would never do that!" frowned Zoisite.

"What if the princess asked him to?" said Jadeite with that slightly glassy look of his eyes that he always got when mentioning the princess.

"He'd do it for the princess."

"Probably," conceded Zoisite reluctantly.

Nephrite was still chewing on the problem.

"Wouldn't they give us a clear hint about their intentions?"

"Who, Venus? I bet she's laughing her little ass off at the thought of confusing us," sneered Kunzite.

Everyone nodded and Kunzite gave them a strict look.

"So this might well be a Silver Millenium winter solstice. We should be prepared they'll expect more than a gift."

"I bet Jadeite can tell us their sexual preferences too," said Nephrite with a smug grin.

Jadeite just smirked.

It was Zoisite who had an idea what to do about it.

"Kunzite, you need to talk to Venus about this."

"Nani?"

"You're our leader, she's theirs, she respects you, and both of you have full memories of the past times. If anyone can find out what they are planning for us, it's you."

Kunzite was about to protest, but then suddenly a smirk crossed his face.

"You're right, Zoisite. I should talk to her. This could be very interesting. And men, we better prepare ourselves for the possibility of a traditional solstice. I want everyone in their best shape. If nothing happens, too bad, but if we're celebrating the traditional way, we have a reputation to keep up. And you heard the Master, use the time ot get into that "spirit of the season". We Are The Shitennou, if the senshi are challenging with an invitation for a christmas party, we will be up to it!"


	3. Chapter 3

**No reviews so far, aw, my fluffless take on the Shitennou doesn't get much love yet. They've been favourited though, yay! Two more chapters for now, and hopefully more to come. I have lots more ideas for this!**

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><p>"Venus, there is something we need to talk about. You know, Zoisite has convinced the boys that what you really have in mind without openly saying so is a traditional solstice party."<p>

_"What?" _

"You know, the clues were all there. The date, the presents, the random pairings, and you equipped Mamoru with hidden hints..."

"I did not! Forget about this idea as fast as possible!"

"I'm sorry, but I don't think I can convince them. You've been playing tricks on us before, leaving us in the dark about your intentions. If I just may remind you of the beach barbecue that ended up in a diving contest, and of course noone had reminded us of bringing bathing trunks."

Venus chuckled. "But you have to admit it was fun."

"Oh, yes. And we expect this one to be even more fun."

"Kunzite, please tell me you're kidding me. Please tell me this is just a little trick to have revenge on me."

"I don't know about that, Venus, it crossed my mind that my men might take it that way. But we can never be certain with you senshi, can we? We have to take all possibilities into account. My men are determined not to disappoint you, they are already into preparations, and they appreciated the hidden warnings, thank you very much.

This is about pacifying the tribe, about cross bonding and mutual obligations, right? I take it family planning measure will not be in order? I must congratulate you. No better way to team the senshi and the shitennou than this. I would never have thought about it. This could make history."

"Kunzite! We are not going to play 'turn off the lights' the old ways in this modern time! Tell your boys not to get their hopes up, it's just going to be some tea and cookies, some karaoke, and the damn Secret Santa."

"It's no use trying to distract me now, Venus. I know your devious little ways too well."

"If you don't trust me, fine. You better not. But what about Usagi? She's so devoted to Mamoru, can you imagine her setting this up for us?"

"No. But that doesn't mean it's not going to happen. As I said, the benefits for our purpose of Guarding Earth would outweigh the private wishes, by far. The princess has once given her entire life to save Earth, I somehow can't picture her to be anything but generous anymore."

"You are really enjoying this, Kunzite, aren't you?"

"Just trying to get into the spirit, Venus. Just like the Master ordered us to."

"Fine. I'm telling you again you don't have to worry, it's just some nice little party with no further intentions but coming together and having a good time."

"Hint taken, Venus. We will do our best to come together. Until next week then."

"There's the door, Kunzite. Bye."

The number for the all-senshi emergency conference call was programmed in Minako's phone.

"Girls, I have an idea!"


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey, Neph..."

"Hi, Jadeite, come in. Just a moment, I'm almost finished."

Jadeite dropped onto Nephrite's couch.

"What are you cooking there? Smells good. That's not...?"

"You bet it is. My grandma's famous punch. I've found the perfect ingredient to notch up our old family recipe another level. Wanna try some? Careful, it's hot."

Jadeite's eyes lit up as he took the steaming cup out of Nephrite's hands. He steadied himself and took a small sip. His whole body jerked from delight.

"Classy," he gasped with the little air he had left. "Your grandma would be proud of you."

Nephrite had helped himself to another cup, and cheered to Jadeite.

"Brings back memories, eh?"

"This life, you have to tell me the recipe! No more hiding behind the ghost of your granny."

"Uh-uh, only good boys get to hear family secrets. And you, Jadeite, have not been a good boy."

"Comes with the job, what can I do? Come on, at least the new ingredient! That's not a family secret! You heard the Master, we are to get into the spirit of christmas! We are supposed to be nice."

"No, _you_ are supposed to be nice._ I _am supposed to loosen up, and there's no better way than this."

Jadeite took another sip and smirked.

"You have a point here, I must admit."

They both took another careful sip and shared a moment of happy silence.

"So... what are we going to do about Kunzite?" said Jadeite.

"Kunzite?"

"Haven't you seen how gloomy he is around this time of the year? It always used to be him who threw us great parties for every occasion, and I don't remember much about the past, but you bet I remember some winter solstices we had."

Nephrite grinned. "Some of those really are impossible to forget, and I remember even less than you do. So... you think we should throw a party for Kunzite...?"

"Looks like the senshi are already doing the party thing... but we should do something to get him into the spirit..."

"Zoisite would get him into any spirit in no time," said Nephrite. "We should ask him."

"I don't want to leave it to Zoisite," said Jadeite. "That's not showing how much we approve of the good times we had. We need to do something ourselves."

Nephrite sighed. Planning stage. He wasn't good at it.

"Ideas?"

"Not yet, but perhaps we can come up with something when we 'got into the spirit' as the Master has orderes us to."

"And you, how do you plan to get into the spirit?" asked Nephrite.

Jadeite fumbled something out of the inside pocket of his jacket. The punch made this already quite complicated.

"Here," he said and held up his acquisition. "Christmas movies."

"What, you're going to watch reindeers and that? That's making you feel all squishy, he?" chuckled Nephrite.

Jadeite eyed his movies critically. "Dunno. They said in the shop that this are classics, and that we're going to like it. In the first one, a tower gets demolished, in the second one, an airport, with bonus exploding planes. In the third, a whole town."

"Wow," said Nephrite and dropped next to Jadeite to watch them closer. "Should we watch them together? I might get squishy from these alright, and I know you will. I guess the bad guys aren't going to win in these?"

"No... unfortunately not... but I think they're pretty cool though."

"If not, we can help the movie out with some more punch."

"Hm, I like the sound of that."

"Want another one?"

"Sure. So, what's the recipe? Come on, who else do you want to tell about your clever discovery? Tell me the clever thing you added to the recipe!"

"Okay, okay... listen: Caribbean Rum!"

"Okay, Rum is in there, and what else?"

"Nothing else. Just Rum. And heat."

"Wow. I love it."

"Want another cup?"

"Sure."


End file.
